I Go Back

This past weekend I was doing some late night driving and found a station that was playing “all 80’s, all night”.  I couldn’t help but stay tuned in.  Almost every song I heard was familiar.  But a couple of them took me back in time.  I could see, smell, hear the old roller skating rink we always went to as kids, and where I first remember hearing the 80’s musical stylings of Rick Astley.  It was as if I was there again.  Then another took me to a pizza place that we went to a lot in middle school, where Kris Kross could make us “Jump, Jump“.  I could even see the {please-don’t-ever-return} clothes and hairstyles that we all had.  I loved the nostalgia that came with the drive.  I loved the memories.  I loved thinking about how far we’ve all come since elementary school and middle school.

As the weekend wore on, I channel surfed a little more than usual on the radio.  And it was as if my radio was playing a montage of memories from my childhood, youth and adult years.  I realized as I listened more that not all of the songs tied to good memories.  Some reminded me of lost friendships, stupid boys and desert places.  And while the pain from those things is long past, the memory of them is still there.

But then there were songs of hope.  Songs that I held on to during hard places.  Songs that were an anthem while walking through difficult times.  I love those songs.  Those songs can still stir such raw emotion.  Not because the pain returns, but because I remember the song beginning or helping the healing process.  I remember what that song meant in that moment and suddenly the words overtake me.

One song in particular in my adult life is Healer.  That song stepped onto the scene for me at the single darkest time of my life.  I remember having heard it the first time and thinking,”Good song”.  But just a few weeks later, as I faced the miscarriage of our precious Grace, this song became MY song.  I remember standing in church just 6 days after losing her and that song starting.  For the first time that week, I began to feel hope.  I began to believe that not just my body would heal, but heart and soul would stitch back together as well.  I remember crying, but this time not tears of pain, loss, confusion, anger.  Tears that were cleansing.  Tears that were healing.  Tears that were the beginning of a story that I didn’t even realize God was forming.

I remember in my heart singing “I believe you’re my healer” in a future or in-progress sense.  Like I knew He could, I knew He would be my Healer.  And I remember the hope.  I remember keeping that song on almost a constant loop for a while.  And I remember the signs of healing that I began to feel.  It wasn’t quick by any means.  But it happened.

Now I hear that song and in my heart “I believe you’re my healer” is a declaration.  He is my healer because I have experienced healing.  He is my healer because my hope was fulfilled.  He is my healer because I’ve experienced it fully, not just holding on to the hope of coming healing.

Do you have a song or songs that bring hope? Or remind you of hope? I’d love to know what it is!  Share them with me here!  Maybe someone reading needs your song to get them through.  Or maybe it’s just a good reminder  for you right now.  If you’re like me, every time I hear that song, I Go Back.